All hail @MarkBurnettTV & @RealRomaDowney’s hilarious, white-washed @History channel @bibleseries!

History? No, no. We don’t trouble ourselves with fact or evidence.

Here’s a recap of the first episode.

Yes, yes. I’m white. Never mind my Semitic ethnicity.

I wrote about this when I first heard about it (and boy have the whiny, self-righteous, dishonest Christians come out of the woodwork since then!). The first episode has since premiered and, much to my dismay but complete lack of surprise, the ratings have been excellent. This of course means that more religious horseshit will most likely start pouring out of Hollywood. I actually have no real problem with that; H’wood’s a business and so will do what it thinks will make money, but I do have a number of problems with the series itself.

But rather than gripe for too long about that, I’ll let a couple others jump in here first.

And here’s Robert Lloyd’s LA Times review.

So glad God gave us razors!

So let’s start with the beginning. As Smith points out, why the fuck are Adam and Eve white? And why is he clean-shaven? Where, specifically, in Genesis is it established that either Adam invented straight razors or that God provided him with one?

(To the tune of “Yellow Submarine”) We’re all from Mosepotamia, Mesopotamia, Mesopotamia!

All evidence demonstrates that homo sapiens originated in Africa, so if Burnett and Downey are gonna present their series as based on actual events (they do), then aren’t they concerned with this fact? If not, then how can they claim the series is based on actual events? Sure, some of it might be, like the fact that there was an ancient Egypt, but to ignore such basic facts as humans’ genetic origins for the sake of the traditionally depicted Adam and Eve is to ignore history. (Is that a loquacious snake I spot in the background?)

Fuck every other animal and person (including babies)! If God ain’t happy, ain’t nobody spared!

The next thing that grabbed me in Smith’s recap is the Noah story. I won’t go into detail except to point out that I’ve never understood why God found it necessary to kill children and livestock. I almost understand the notion that adults were all sinners deserving of death (presuming the validity behind all that), but even the Catholics have the concept of the Age of Reason, before which children aren’t held responsible for sin because they’re innocent of responsibility for poor decision-making.

But what about the poor livestock?! With this story, as with God’s later plagues on Egypt, I’ve never understood why an infinitely wise God would punish soulless, conscious-less animals for their masters’ wrongdoings. Cattle are just wandering around, eating grass, fucking, waiting to be slaughtered. Is their very existence a crime against God? If not, then why drown them all?

It’s totally cool with me that you’re about to slaughter me! No, seriously, dad, have a ball!

So Abraham’s slave is black. Is this because in American history slaves were from Africa? Because just as with the lack of establishment of the invention of straight razors in the Adam and Eve story, I don’t recall anything in the Abraham story recounting how he either travelled to Africa to acquire his slave or bought her from anyone who had. Again, do Burnett and Downey give a fuck about fact or does shorthand for American audiences trump everything else? (Here’s a question: was Isaac A-OK with his dad trying to kill him? He never needed the Bronze-Age equivalent of therapy? I need it and I wasn’t even smacked around.)

(To the tune of “Shake Your Booty”) Won’t you put?/Won’t you put?/ Your peepee in my/Pink, virgin asshole?

Sigh. Sorry to harp on the race thing so much, but it just keeps popping up. Why are God’s angels black and Asian? Why do they wear plate mail? Lloyd points out that the casting was probably an effort towards diversity, but as I understand it, angels are supposed to be, well, divine, as in not resembling any race of humans let alone traditionally underrepresented ones in American TV shows.

Yep, the Jews totally built us. No, not compensated laborers. Jewish slaves. Pay no attention to the timeline inaccuracies.

The next thing that threw me was in the background of the Egypt scenes. See if you can spot what I’m talking about. Yep. Right there. Massive blocks of stone. As we all know, there’s not only zero evidence that the Jews were ever in Egypt, but the notion that they built the pyramids is absolute horseshit. So again I have to wonder if Burnett and Downey give a shit about history. Or, frankly, the Bible. Last I checked, the Bible never establishes that the Jews built the pyramids, so this idea itself is a post hoc editorialization of scripture, which we all know is totally okay with God.

Seriously, what the fuck is up with God telling the Israelites to smear lamb’s blood on their doors? Why does God’s angel need addresses? Why blood? Why of lambs? Why not something that won’t kill any innocent animals, like pitch? Or hey, why not Hebrew? Surely, Egyptians considered it beneath them to write in Hebrew, so if the Israelites wrote “we’re Israelites” on their doors, that’d be sufficient warning to the angel.

And by “history” we of course mean shit we totally just made up.

Burnett and Downey can say whatever the hell they want, and if they can find a corporation to pay them for it, more power to them. If they wanna go and spend millions of dollars of that corporation’s money on distant locations, juicy costumes, and cheez-whiz effects, have at it. But if they’re gonna do that with the Bible, don’t make semitic people white and don’t fucking call it history.

Now for the real shits and giggles. Here are actual comments that people sent me based on my first post about this.

I was going to counter your foolish and angry rant with sound FAITH and scientific proof. But instead I prayed first then GOD open my eyes and reminded me of scripture that says “The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God.” Therefore according to my faith since you are a fool I should not even waste my breath (or time typeing) for “Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of thy words.” Then I considered giving you the references to to these scriptures I just quoted to you but again I am reminded “Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.”

So I leave you to your own senslessnes, as it was DEFINITELY written about 2000yrs ago… “And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.”

–Daryll

For someone who claims to know what is and isn’t history, you apparently do not know your history. There is historical evidence that Jesus of Nazareth existed and was, in fact, a carpenter. He lived in Galilee and Judea. The only thing about Jesus of Nazareth that is disputed is whether or not he is the Messiah. Well, some religions believe he is not the Messiah, but was a “great teacher” and/or a “prophet.” I say, he is either the Messiah, the Risen Savior, the Son of God, the Christ, OR he was a raving lunatic and a liar – there is no inbetween; there is no “great teacher” or “prophet” status. Whatever you choose to believe about Jesus of Nazareth, there is certainly historical evidence that he existed.

–Tim

Mr. Hill,

SInce you won’t regard the Bible as truth, maybe you will regard secular websites as proof of Jesus’ existence?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Josephus_on_Jesus

–Michael

Since these guys bring Jesus up, I’ll leave the last word on that to Smith.

3 Responses to “All hail @MarkBurnettTV & @RealRomaDowney’s hilarious, white-washed @History channel @bibleseries!”

  1. […] Some people, interestingly, criticize the TV series because they actually are criticizing God. Here’s a sample: […]

  2. FYI. Generally speaking, slaves have predominately been black all throughout world history.

    The word for a black person in Arabic is literally “abd,” which translates to “slave.”

    ‘merica

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