Random shit for Friday (#triggerwarning: #TheSecret #bullshit)

It’s no small secret that I hate The Fucking Secret. What pisses me off even more is that author Rhonda Byrne was able to convince millions upon millions of gullible chumps to buy her terrible book, thereby at least in part validating her claims, if only in the eyes of millions of chumps.

It’s also no small secret that Byrne’s bullshit more than passingly resembles the core teachings of the Unity Church. Interestingly, probably because I had a good time there, I don’t resent the church, while I do Byrne. I think too, Unity never really came right out and said, “Anything you imagine will literally come true.” They more said, “Um, well, if you imagine it, and you work hard, and you have some modicum of talent, and you’re lucky, and you’re in the right place at the right time, or you know someone, then it’ll literally come true. But hey, that imagining part’s still really important.”

In the past two weeks, something rather remarkable has happened to me. I was at my day job, talking to my supervisor about going full-time (I’ve been on-call, sans benefits, for three years now), and, to her credit, she’s all like, “You’re totally next in line.” I won’t bore you with the details about how it works at my job, but “next in line” is pertinent. Thing is, even with her assurance, I had no real hope that my spot would come up or that it’d happen any time soon. And the real bitch of it was that full-time at this place only meant a guarantee of full-time hours (as opposed to on-call’s you may work or you may not) nor of higher pay or anything else. So basically, i was fishing for pre-Obamacare registry-requirement benefits.

I left the conversation feeling like she had my back, but also like there wasn’t much she could do to help me out. I also knew that without the increase of income, I still had to find another job because, frankly, the income’s kinda shit and I have expenses (that cocaine’s not gonna snort itself!). I went back to my piddly desk, got back to piddly work, and kept on with my piddly job search.

Then something remarkable happened.

Truly remarkable.

Days later, I got an e-mail. From a media company. One that you’ve heard of. In this e-mail, a recruiter was totally like, “Hey, Anton, how’s it going? How are they treating you over there at that anonymous bullshit company? ‘Cause see the thing is, I’m pretty sure we can treat you a whole lot better.”

“Fucking scams,” I thought. I wrote to a friend. “Someone claiming to be this anonymous media company just offered me a job.”
“Fucking assholes,” she replied. “Still, wouldn’t hurt to respond.”
“Yeah. Shits and giggles and all that.”

I responded. A couple of days later the recruiter and I got on the phone. Boy did she pitch me. “More money than you’ve ever seen, full benefits without bullshit waiting periods, bonuses, vacation time, personal-improvement funds, we’ll totally blow you, free flights to Vegas, fully stocked break room, happy hours…” Okay, that Vegas thing I totally made up, but the rest of it was true. At the end of our conversation, she said I was exactly what they were looking for and she’d set up an interview with the team leads.

I’ll skip a bit here. I interviewed with the team leads. Knocked it out of the fucking park. This is significant. I’m very, very used to hearing things like “We’re looking at other people” and never hearing from the company again.

A final round of interviews was scheduled. I go into the anonymous media company’s offices. They’re sweet. Like “Nutella drizzled over honeycomb with a healthy squirt of cajeta” sweet. Everyone’s happy. And not bullshit, “I wanna get the fuck outta here” happy. No, no. Real happy. I meet five people, including the recruiter, her coordinator, and the two guys I spoke to the previous day. I knock it out of the fucking park.

Except: “We’re looking at other people.”

I call my friend. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. I knew it was too good to be true! They gave me the total ‘other people’ line.”

“They have to say that. You’re fine.”

Over the next 24 hours or so, I agonize and scrutinize everything I said. “Shouldn’t have said that. Definitely shouldn’t have said that.” It was awful.

And all for nought. Next morning, I get the e-mail informing me that they’d like to move forward. Pending references and a background check.

I’ll skip a bit more. This past Monday, I got the offer letter. I sign it and send it back. I go in yesterday to my boss at anonymous bullshit company. “I’ve got good news and bad news. Good news is, you don’t have to worry about making me full-time. Bad news is, tomorrow’s my last day. I got an offer I couldn’t refuse and I’m out–>of–>here, bitches!”

She was shockingly non-plussed. Whatevs. Most of the rest of the day I spent saying goodbye. Even got to give that fuck-you smile to a former supervisor.

And that’s that. Today’s my last day at anonymous bullshit. After a week off, I start at anonymous media company you’ve heard of.

Last night, as I was pondering the ri-donk-ulousness of this whole situation, it popped into my head that were I still in Unity or had I been one of the millions of chumps, I definitely would’ve credited a higher power, the universe, karma, whatever the fuck else we’d like to call it.

Fuck that.

Bullshit visualization and wishful thinking didn’t get me to this great media company you’ve heard of. Nope. It was three years’ experience doing at anonymous bullshit company what anonymous media company wants, my education, my ability to connect with people as much as necessary in interviews, and probably that whole Spanish thing. None of that is is mystical. None of that is magic. It’s all me in the skill and flaws.

Fuck you, The Secret.

3 Responses to “Random shit for Friday (#triggerwarning: #TheSecret #bullshit)”

  1. Congrats Anton! I srarted a new job last Oct. And couldn’t be happier with the decision. Like you, I had to work hard to make it happen. No magic…no secret.

  2. Reblogged this on Dichotomy Blog and commented:
    A tale of doing….

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: